I've been thinking about this topic for awhile now, but haven't actually written it because I didn't want it to be a complaint, or construed as whining! Because some of my closest friends seem to think I'm the world's biggest complainer and are regularly telling me to stop whining. The funny thing is its usually while I'm stating a fact, not even an opinion, none the less a complaint! So, this is my attempt to write this without it coming off as a complaint!
I recently was talking to a friend and she said she never saw me as the one to be a stay at home mom while we were growing up. The way she said it was almost scornful, like she expected more from me and I made a bad choice in how I chose to live my life. The funny thing is, I didn't see my life this way either. I always knew I would marry a military man, and I always wanted a family, but I ALWAYS thought I would have a career also. God had a different plan for me and I struggled for a few years trying to figure out what that plan was after college.
He has blessed me by finding a way for me to stay home with my children in their early years. I know if I had a choice, I would be at work full time and my boys would be in day care. I still struggle some days to remember that I am envied by so many because I get to stay home with my boys. We are blessed enough to be able to live comfortably on just my husband's salery. (Though I'll admit we'd be a lot more comfortable if we didn't have the credit card debt, but that is for another day, and I don't regret $1 put onto those cards!)
Needless to say, after that conversation I really looked at our relationship. I didn't like where it had gone over the past 10 years, and as a result I decided it was time to move on. I deleted her from my Facebook friend list! I wondered if she would say anything, or even notice, but I guess I wasn't that important to her since I haven't heard from her in the couple months since doing so!
The conversation was with another long standing friend present, she agreed, and went on to make a few comments that bothered me, so at the same time I signed off the first friendship, I signed off this one too. The only response I got from her was a quick note saying she would get a book of mine she had back to me asap. That really hurt.
These two friends were two of my oldest friendships, they were the girls I grew up with, but things first started going south with our friendships almost 10 years ago. It became noticeable at my wedding, since they were my Maid of Honor and my Bridesmaid. You know there is a problem when you are saying by the day of the wedding, I should have chosen different attendants! Well, being my stubborn self, I didn't! Such is life, and we learn. So 8.5 years later I have learned that they are my past, and just as my adulthood is something very different from what I imagined, so are my friends!
Its beyond hard to let go of your oldest friends, especially two at the same time, but life changes, we change, and we can't dwell in the past. So, after a good cry over lost friends, I moved on. It took some time, but now 5 months after starting this, I have become accustomed to it and have found I can enjoy memories and finally let go completely!
As I start this new year, its with a great many good friends who may not have known me as a child, but know me now, and are happy to be friends with who I am. For that I am eternally thankful. Because while I have an amazing husband, two beautiful and smart little boys, and a bevy of friends who care about me, they are still trying to find their way. I pray they will find it and find the kind of happiness I have!
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